When
sharing the results of his 360-degree feedback with him, Henry seemed
to show a great deal of interest – not surprising for someone who
is considered a high-potential manager at a global services company.
I had just started coaching Henry and found him to be bright,
analytical and very ambitious. However, as I had experienced, Henry
was not a good listener. He was quick to argue, and at times did not
really pay much attention to any feedback that he sensed was
negative. His 360 feedback results confirmed my intuition. Coming
from subordinates, peers, his manager, and even from some senior
executives, there was a consistent theme that Henry needed to be a
better listener.
Henry
did not accept this feedback well. He insisted that he was a good
listener, that he paid attention when others were talking, and that
he had improved his tendency to interrupt others by waiting (albeit
impatiently) until they finished making their point. Furthermore, he
claimed that he had been applying body-language listening techniques
such as making eye contact and leaning forward. Were they just
thinking about the old Henry, he asked? The comments about him did
not seem accurate anymore, he claimed.
In
my experience as a team member, manager and coach, I have become
convinced that being a good listener is one of the most important
qualities of an effective executive – indeed, of a good parent,
physician, spouse, or friend. And there is considerable research on
the benefits and impact of good listening. Just recently, Kate
Murphy, in a recent New York Times opinion piece (January 12, 2020),
referred to research that has found that “… when talking to
inattentive listeners, the speakers volunteered less information and
conveyed information less articulately. Conversely … attentive
listeners received more information, relevant details, and
elaboration from speakers, even when the listeners didn’t ask any
questions.”
Yet
so often, many of us fall short of becoming good listeners. What
makes this especially challenging is our own self-serving bias. As
the research has shown, we tend to believe that we are above average
in many areas, e.g., driving skills, intelligence, etc., and I would
bet this also applies to our perceptions of our listening skills.
When I ask my students how many of them believe that they are good
listeners, more than half raise their hands.
According
to Oscar Trimboli, who has a book as well as a podcast called Deep
Listening, we spend at
least 55 percent of our day listening, yet only two percent are being
trained to listen. He identifies the four villains of listening: the
interrupting listener (who wants to jump in right away), the dramatic
listener (who can’t wait to expand on what you are saying to add
their own experiences), the lost listener (who checks out of the
conversation), and the shrewd listener (who is too busy trying to
solve the problem that the speaker is talking about and not really
what might be unsaid).
Why
are managers poor at it? When I think back on all the managers I have
interviewed, reported to, managed, and coached, they seem to be
holding one or more of these four assumptions. One, I am right and
others are wrong; they have nothing to offer, while I am the expert
with lots of experience. Two, I don’t want to show my ignorance or
weakness by listening or asking questions. Three, I don’t have time
to listen; my day is filled with tasks and meetings, so just get to
the point. Four, I need to show that I can act quickly and make quick
judgments; besides, I trust my gut.
This
is a syndrome not just of managers but also of other professionals,
especially physicians. For example, research suggests doctors
interrupt their patients during an appointment after 11 seconds
(median time), not even giving their patients a chance to fully
explain the reason for their visit. And with the emphasis on
electronic record keeping, remember your last doctor’s visit, when
he or she probably spent more time typing on their laptop while
talking to you than making eye contact and expressing empathy?
Unfortunately,
the popular literature on listening seems to focus on techniques,
such as watching your body language, nodding, mirroring or
rephrasing. Trimboli, for example, suggests the following: listen to
yourself (especially your breathing), listen to the content (not just
the words but the whole person), listen to the context (the patterns
in the person’s dialogue), listen to what’s unsaid, and listen
for meaning. These are excellent suggestions. There is nothing
inherently wrong with these techniques; in fact, they can be very
helpful at times. But to be an effective listener requires something
more fundamental than learning some techniques.
In
my experience, becoming a better listener starts with making two
decisions about yourself, and then following these up with actions.
Your first decision is to resolve that you will want to become a more
effective listener, and then start by identifying those situations or
individuals when you fail to listen. For example, it might be when
you are interacting with subordinates who you believe are too junior
or whose intelligence you don’t respect. Or it might be when you
are challenged or questioned by a person with whom you might feel
competitive. Make a list of those situations; for some clients, I
recommend they do a daily log (for which I’ve created a template)
for two weeks and then look for themes.
Your
second decision is to adopt a listening mindset by respecting what
others have to say, and not rushing to judge too quickly on their
remarks; in other words, listen first to understand. Then start by
identifying specific behaviors you would like to improve on, for
example, pausing or counting to three before responding, or watching
your body language, so you can build your listening habits.
Interestingly enough, what I have found is that some male executives
will say that they are not just as good a listener as their spouse or
some of their female managers – as though their being male is an
excuse for being a poor listener. Guys, you have to be convinced that
you want to and can be a better listener, and it has nothing to with
your male identity.
It
goes without saying that getting feedback from others is important,
and this also requires listening. Find a trusted advisor or colleague
who can regularly provide you with feedback on whether or not you are
becoming a better listener and listen carefully to their feedback. If
you truly want to become a better listener, you need to be convinced
that listening will help you (and others) and that being a good
listener is a quality you would like to see in yourself. So instead
of focusing immediately on techniques, resolve first to become a
better listener and adopt a listening mindset.
Trimboli,
O. (2017). Deep Listening:
Impact Beyond Words.
Edgar Schein:
Definition of humble
inquiry: the skill and the art of drawing someone out, of asking
questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a
relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person. (p.
21)
We must become
better at asking and do less telling in a culture that overvalues
telling.
Good communication
requires building a trusting relationship, and building a trusting
relationship requires humble inquiry.
Use of questions
Watch body language
Be present, suspend
judgment
Edmondson –
situational humility
Diana
Raab (2017) The goal of deep listening is to acquire information,
understand a person or a situation, and experience pleasure. Active
listening is about making a conscious decision to hear what people
are saying. It’s about being completely focused on others—their
words and their messages—without being distracted.
Four
Levels of Listening
According
to Otto Schamer and Katrin Kaufer in Leading
from the Emerging Future,
there are four levels of listening.
-
Downloading: the
listener hears ideas and these merely reconfirm what the listener
already knows.
2.
Factual listening: the
listener tries to listen to the facts even if those facts contradict
their own theories or ideas.
3.
Empathic listening: the
listener is willing to see reality from the perspective of the other
and sense the other’s circumstances.
4.
Generative listening: the
listener forms a space of deep attention that allows an emerging
future to ‘land’ or manifest.
At
its core, leadership is about shaping and shifting how individuals
and groups attend to and subsequently respond to a situation. But
most leaders are unable to recognize, let alone change, the
structural habits of attention used in their
organizations. Learning to recognize the habits of attention in
a business culture requires, among other things, a particular kind
of listening. Over more than a decade of observing people’s
interactions in organizations, I have noted four different types
of listening: downloading, factual listening, empathic listening, and
generative listening.
Listening 1: Downloading
“Yeah, I know that already,” I call this type of listening downloading—listening by reconfirming habitual judgments. When everything you hear confirms what you already know, you are listening by downloading.
Listening
2: Factual
“Ooh,
look at that!” This type of listening is factual or object-focused:
listening by paying attention to facts and to novel or
disconfirming data. You switch off your inner voice of judgment
and focus on what differs from what you already know. Factual
listening is the basic mode of good science. You let the data
talk to you. You ask questions, and you pay careful attention to
the responses you get.
Listening
3: Empathic
“Oh,
yes, I know exactly how you feel.” This deeper level of
listening is empathic listening. When we are engaged in real dialogue
and paying careful attention, we can become aware of a profound
shift in the place from which our listening originates. We move
from seeing the objective world of things, figures, and facts
(the “itworld”) to listening to the story of a living and
evolving self (the “you-world”). Sometimes, when we say “I
know how you feel,” our emphasis is on a kind of mental
or abstract knowing. But it requires an open heart to
really feel how another feels. An open heart gives us the
empathic capacity to connect directlywith another person from
within. When that happens, we enter new territory in the
relationship; we forget about our own agenda and begin to see
how the world appears through someone else’s eyes.
Listening
4: Generative
“I
can’t express what I experience in words. My whole being has
slowed down. I feel more quiet and present and more my real
self. I am connected to something larger than myself.” This
type of listening connects us to an even deeper realm of
emergence. I call this level of listening “generative listening,”
or listening from the emerging field of future possibility. This
level of listening requires us to access our open will—our capacity
to connect to the highest future possibility that can emerge. We
no longer look for something outside. We no longer empathize
with someone in front of us. “Communion” or “grace” is
maybe the word that comes closest to the texture of this
experience.
When
you operate from Listening 1 (downloading), the conversation
reconfirms what you already knew. You reconfirm your habits of
thought: “There he goes again!” When you operate from
Listening 2 (factual listening), you disconfirm what you already know
and notice what is new out there: “Boy, this looks so
different today!” When you operate from Listening 3
(empathic listening), your perspective is redirected to seeing
the situation through the eyes of another: “Boy, yes, now I really
understand how you feel about it. I can sense it now too.” And
finally, when you operate from Listening 4 (generative listening),
you have gone through a subtle but profound change that has
connected you to a deeper source of knowing, including the
knowledge of your best future possibility and self.
“Ya,
I know that already.” The first type of listening is downloading:
listening by reconfirming habitual judgments. When you are in a
situation where everything that happens confirms what you already
know, then you are listening by downloading. (M57)
“Ooh,
look at that!” The second type of listening is object-focused
listening: listening by paying attention to factual and to the novel
or disconfirming data. In this type of listening you pay attention to
what differs from what you already know. You attend to ideas about
reality that differ from your own rather than denying them (as you do
in the case of downloading). Object-focused or factual listening is
the basic mode of good science. You ask questions and you carefully
observe the responses that nature (data) gives to you. (M58)
“Oh,
yes, I know how you feel.” The third and deeper level of listening
is empathic listening. When we are engaged in real dialogue, we can,
when paying attention, become aware of a profound shift in the place
from which our listening originates. As long as we operate from the
first two types of listening, our listening originates from within
the boundaries of our own mental-cognitive organization. But when we
listen empathically, our perception shifts from our own organization
into the field, to the other, to the place from which the other
person is speaking. When moving into that mode of listening we have
to activate our empathy by connecting directly, heart to heart, to
the other person. If that happens, we feel a profound switch; we
forget about our own agenda and begin to see how the world unfolds
through someone else’s eyes. When operating in this mode, we
usually feel what another person wants to say before the words take
form. And then we may recognize whether a person chooses the right
word or the wrong one to express something. That judgment is only
possible when we have a direct sense of what someone wants to say
before we analyze what she actually says. Empathic listening is a
skill that can be cultivated and developed, just like any other skill
in human relations. It’s a skill that requires us to activate a
different source of intelligence-the intelligence of the heart.
(M59)
“I
can’t express what I experience in words. My whole being has slowed
down. I feel more quiet, present and more my real self. I am
connected to something larger than myself.” This is the fourth
level of listening. It moves beyond the current field and connects to
a still deeper realm of emergence. I call this level of listening
generative listening, or listening from the emerging field of the
future. This level of listening requires us to access our open heart
and open will — our capacity to connect to the highest future
possibility that wants to emerge. On this level our work focuses on
getting our (old) self out of the way in order to open a space, a
clearing that allows for a different sense of presence to manifest.
We no longer look for something outside. We no longer empathize with
someone in front of us. We are in an altered state — maybe
communion or grace is the word that comes closest to the texture of
this experience that refuses to be dragged onto the surface of words.
(M5A)
You’ll
notice that this fourth level of listening differs in texture and
outcomes from the others. You know that you have been operating on
the fourth level when you realize that, at the end of the
conversation, you are no longer the same person you were when you
started the conversation. You have gone through a subtle but profound
change. You have connected to a deeper source — to the source of
who you really are and to a sense of why you are here — a
connection that links you with a profound field of coming-into-being,
with your emerging authentic Self.
Downloading
This is the most basic and habitual form of listening. It is very direct, and usually only occurs when the individual is familiar with what they are hearing/being told, and are therefore only listening to confirm what they already know, or their current opinion, which is likely not to change. Everything they are hearing is being projected onto preconceptions of the situation and is reflecting the past rather than the present moment.
Factual
Listening
This is the next stage, which involves listening with an entirely open mind and without any presumptions or prior judgments. Individuals employing factual listening are attentive to new ideas and data and are accepting of any differences from what they already know. The outcome is that their opinions or views on a situation may be altered by new information that is now available to them. This is good for scientists, or individuals in an analytics situation, but is still not suitable for those who need to be more visionary, such as leaders.
Empathic
Listening
Empathic Listening requires a yet deeper level of listening and needs the individual at hand to have a certain level of emotional intelligence. This is the ability to truly connect with the individual who is being listened to and to see the world, situation, subject, or opinion as they do, through their eyes, and provides them with an emotional connection to the speaker. This provides the listener with alternative perspectives that can help to sculpt and define their decision-making.
Generative
Listening
This is the highest, most informative level of listening, and is a very important skill for leaders to learn. It requires the individual to gain a connection with the best future that they can; an emerging and developing future, or possible futures. This subsequently results in a profound shift and a truly deep sense of knowing. This can be used to envisage individual development, and can also be used to design and plan organizational change.
Plett: Listening becomes increasingly more difficult as we move down these four levels because each level invites us into a deeper level of risk, vulnerability, and openness. There is no risk in downloading because it doesn’t require that we change anything. Factual listening is a little riskier because it might require a change of opinion or belief. Empathic listening increases the risk because it requires that we open our hearts, engage our emotions, and risk being changed by another person’s perspective. Generative listening is the riskiest of all because it requires that we be willing to change everything–behavior, opinions, lifestyle, beliefs, action, etc. in order to allow something new to emerge.
Generative listening not only requires a willingness to change but a willingness to admit I might be wrong.
For example, when I engage in generative listening around race relations, I have to be willing to admit that I have benefited from the privilege of being white and that I might be guilty of white fragility. If I am truly willing to listen in a way that generates an ’emerging future’, there’s a very good chance I will be challenged in ways I’ve never been challenged before, to accept the truth of who I am and how I’ve benefited from and been complicit or actively engaged in an oppressive system.
References:
Raab, D. (2017).
Deep Listening in Personal Relationships.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201708/deep-listening-in-personal-relationships
Plett, H. (2017).
The Power of Deep Listening.
https://upliftconnect.com/the-power-of-deep-listening/
Turkle, S.
(2015). Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.
New York: Penguin Press.